I say this as someone with ADHD, a father to an autistic son and a daughter with ADHD, and a former headteacher, and it’s something I say to parents in my parent talks for schools.

Understanding a child’s ADHD, and any other conditions or needs that come with it, should change the support we give, not the high expectations we hold for them, whether we are a parent at home or a teacher in the classroom.

Part 1: Same Standard, Different Route

Two children, the same diagnosis, the same expectation.

When a label becomes an excuse

When we use a diagnosis as the reason a child doesn’t have to show respect, take responsibility or do things for themselves, we are not being kind. We’re teaching them that the label gets them out of things, and that road leads to learned helplessness, where a child stops trying because they believe they can’t, rather than independence.

Two children can have the same diagnosis and need completely different things. One might need clearer structure and movement built into the day, while the other needs to feel safe before anything else will work, so the route is different, but the expectation isn’t. A ramp or a pair of glasses works in the same way, as it helps a person reach the same place without lowering it.

That isn’t only my view. The Education Endowment Foundation (EEF), an independent charity that reviews what works in schools, builds its guidance for pupils with special educational needs and disability (SEND) on a positive environment and high-quality teaching for every pupil, and it warns that talking about children as “SEND pupils” can undermine high expectations for their learning (EEF, 2020).

Start with the need, not the label

A diagnosis tells you something useful, but it doesn’t tell you what this child needs on a Tuesday morning, and two children with ADHD can look nothing alike. What helps one can make things worse for the other. The EEF (2020) says much the same:

For the majority of pupils with SEND, diagnosis is less helpful for teaching and learning than determining the pupils’ educational needs.

So I work from needs, not from diagnosis, whether I’m talking to a parent or a teacher, because none of us needs to be an expert in every condition, but we can all become an expert in the child in front of us. What is getting in the way for this child, in this setting, right now? What would help, and what do we still expect once that help is in place?

In the SEND Code of Practice, the national guidance that schools and councils follow in England, special educational needs (SEN) are defined by the support a child needs, not by the label they carry:

A pupil has SEN where their learning difficulty or disability calls for special educational provision, namely provision different from or additional to that normally available to pupils of the same age.

Having ADHD doesn’t, on its own, mean a child has SEN. Disability under the Equality Act 2010 works in a similar way, as it depends on the effect of an impairment on day-to-day life, not on the label itself.

A diagnosis explains. A need drives the response.

ADHD rarely travels alone

NICE, which publishes health and care guidelines in England, says in its ADHD guideline (NG87) that assessment should cover any other conditions a child has alongside ADHD, and that conditions such as learning disabilities are separate from ADHD and may need different adjustments (NICE, 2018). In my experience that can mean, for example, anxiety, sensory differences, autism, language or learning difficulties, poor sleep and low mood.

That changes the response. If anxiety or sensory overload is driving the behaviour, a focus chart won’t touch it, and if a child is simply testing a boundary, understanding their ADHD doesn’t mean removing it, so you only know which one you’re dealing with if you ask what else is going on.

Part 2: What the Guidance and Evidence Say

What the official guidance says

The Department for Education’s behaviour guidance for schools (2024) is clear that adjustments matter. Schools are expected to make reasonable adjustments, ideally proactively and by design, and to try to understand the causes of a child’s behaviour. It is just as clear about the other side, though, as a school should not assume that because a pupil has SEND, it must have affected their behaviour on a particular occasion. Schools have to judge whether the need contributed and, if it did, whether a sanction is still appropriate and what adjustments to it would be reasonable (DfE, 2024).

NICE’s guideline (NG87) points the same way. For parents and carers it recommends positive contact with the child, clear and consistent rules about behaviour and a structured day, and it describes changes to the environment such as shorter periods of focus with movement breaks, and spoken requests backed up with written instructions. For children aged five and over, it says these should be put in place and reviewed before medication is considered. On parent training, it is explicit (NICE, 2018):

any recommendation of parent-training/education does not imply bad parenting, and that the aim is to optimise parenting skills to meet the above-average parenting needs of children and young people with ADHD.

Structure, scaffolding and adjustments change how a child meets an expectation, but they should not lower our belief in what that child can achieve.

Scaffolding, then stepping back

The EEF describes scaffolding as temporary support. The adult gives enough help for a child to complete something they couldn’t yet do alone, then gradually takes it away as they become able to work independently, and for some children the support may stay in place for longer, to build confidence and skills that last after it comes off (EEF, 2020). The aim is that support is taken away in time, not that it becomes permanent.

What a child makes of a struggle matters too. A review by Milich (1994) of studies on learned helplessness found that boys with ADHD showed many of the characteristics of helpless children, and that how they explained their failures shaped how they responded. It’s an older and fairly narrow body of work, and it doesn’t prove that doing too much for a child causes helplessness, so my argument is professional judgement, not something it proves, but I’d still rather a child heard “this is harder for you, so here’s a way in” than “you can’t, because of your ADHD”.

Ryan and Deci (2000) argue that motivation and wellbeing depend on three basic needs, which are autonomy, competence and relatedness. In everyday terms, that means keeping the relationship warm while gradually handing responsibility to the child, because a child who is always rescued has little chance to build competence.

Not every difficult moment is the same

Sometimes a child is overwhelmed, and a big reaction to a small criticism isn’t drama, because their nervous system is genuinely overloaded, so the right response is calm first and consequences, if any, afterwards, as responsibility and repair still come, just not in that moment. Sometimes a child is bored and pushing a boundary, which calls for a boundary, not an explanation. Either way, don’t assume the need caused the behaviour, and look at what is actually going on (DfE, 2024).

Part 3: The Benson Model in Practice

The Benson Model: system pressures and human experience, with belonging at the centre.

Where the Benson Model fits

This is what the Benson Model was built for. It has two wheels, the first looking at the pressures on a child from the system around them, which are neurodivergence, behaviour, mental health and identity, and the second looking at the child’s human experience, which is security, self-perception, connection and understanding, with belonging at the centre of both.

ADHD sits in one segment of one wheel. The model doesn’t diagnose, assign blame or label, it helps parents and teachers see which pressures are stacking up for this child and which human needs aren’t being met, so the response matches the need. Start with the person, then the system, and treat the diagnosis as the starting point, not the destination.

The accountability stays, but the order changes: regulate first, then reflect. I explain the model in more detail in The Belonging Gap.

Doing too much is not the same as supporting

Many of the most loving parents I work with are exhausted from doing everything for their child, and teachers can feel the same pull in the classroom, constantly choosing between keeping the peace and holding the line when neither feels right. I’ve been that parent, and what helped was remembering that my children still needed boundaries, structure and responsibility, just like any other child, and that meant:

🟠 Scaffolding, then stepping back

🟠 Giving more freedom in exchange for more responsibility

🟠 Holding a few calm, clear boundaries, which saved my energy

NICE recognises that parents of children with ADHD have needs of their own, and recommends encouraging family members and carers to seek an assessment of their own needs and to join support groups if appropriate (NICE, 2018). You can’t pour from an empty cup, and boundaries protect the child’s future and the parent’s wellbeing, which is also why I tell parents to go into school as a partner, not an opponent.

Final thought

See a child differently; see a different child.

How do you balance understanding with expectation, at home or in school? I’d like to hear.

This is general information and my professional view, not medical advice. If you’d like to talk about a child you work with or parent, email me at chris@headfirstconsulting.com.

References

• Department for Education (2024). Behaviour in schools: advice for headteachers and school staff.

• Department for Education and Department of Health (2015). Special educational needs and disability code of practice: 0 to 25 years.

• Education Endowment Foundation (2020). Special educational needs in mainstream schools: guidance report.

• Equality Act 2010, section 6: Disability.

• Milich, R. (1994). The response of children with ADHD to failure: If at first you don’t succeed, do you try, try again? University of Kentucky.

• National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (2018, updated 2019). Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: diagnosis and management (NG87).

• Ryan, R. M. and Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78.